Lodge Visitor/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Okay, everybody, it's showtime. So smoke 'em if you got 'em, chew 'em if you have to, and put your feet up in the old easy chair, but don't get too comfortable because it's time for "the red green show," starring my uncle and my boss, which is more than coincidence, unless, of course, I've missed my guess. But here he is, the start of our show, mr. Red green! Wa-a-a. Star of our show. Sorry. I said "start." [ laughs ] like that one. Oh, here he is. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to the show. Keep it moving. What? Keep it moving. I haven't even started yet, harold. Well, exactly. Okay. We had a heck of a day up at the lodge yesterday. Uh, a bear come wandering in here right in broad daylight. A bear come right into the lodge. None of us even noticed. Uh, of course there was the smell and everything, but we thought somebody just stirred up the pond. Uncle red, don't tell that story. Why not? It happened. Yeah, well, just 'cause it happened doesn't make it interesting. Everything that happens isn't interesting. Well, hi. I'm harold green. I'm uncle red's producer and director and nephew, and I make the picture do this. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] neat, eh? Uncle red, my advice is that you just drop this whole bear-story thing, get right on to the next segment tout de suite. We're losing viewers. Well, that's because you keep wandering in here and interrupting the flow. Oh, yeah. Click, click, click, click, click. I hear them changing channels right now. You should get on to the next segment. I think it's more interesting than this. This is boring. This is as bad as a pbs subscription drive. That's how bad this is. The next segment's interesting, though. Well, all right. We'll get back to the bear story later, and, uh, I guess we'll just go to our film clip now. What is it, anyway? I don't know. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I have a little story, a sad one to tell ♪ ♪ a fella selling sandwiches ♪ ♪ more or less accidentally dropped down the well ♪ ♪ on his way down, he must have kicked the bucket ♪ ♪ we asked the neighbors for help ♪ ♪ but they just said "who cares?" ♪ ♪ he spent about an hour swimming 'round and 'round ♪ ♪ that was getting a bit annoying, and then he drowned ♪ ♪ and that's how the salesman, he found his watery grave ♪ ♪ but all's well that ends well ♪ ♪ the sandwiches were saved ♪ uh, this week on "handyman corner," uh, I thought I'd take you outdoors and show you how to build one of them outdoor entertainment centers, vis-à-vis a basketball hoop -- uh, you know, something that the youngsters can enjoy playing with and also the old man can partake of when relatives drop over unexpectedly. Now, uh... The first thing that we're gonna need is a pole. [ ax thudding ] [ wood cracking ] [ clears throat ] all right. Now what we want to do is, uh, we want to dig a hole for the pole. Uh, okay. No. The first thing we want to do is we want to dig a hole for the shovel. Uh, all right. Uh, if at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools. Uh, okay, now. This is called a gas-powered posthole digger, and the way it works is the gas goes in here, and the hole comes out down there. Uh, so, I'm just gonna start her up, and away we go. [ motor starts ] [ motor revs ] okay, uh, we got our pole up there now. I guess I could have just used this tree right where it was, but, uh, oh, well. It's here now. Now we need something to use as a backboard. [ banging ] [ grunts ] okay. Took this off the back of stinky's pickup truck, but, uh, what we'll do is we'll just let the air out of the front tires, and she'll dip, then nothing will roll. Fine. All right. We need, uh, now something to use for the net. For the basketball to go into the net. [ clanging ] uh, I think this'll be perfect. It's got the hoop in it there. I found this in the van after old man sedgwick borrowed it. He was, uh, dating one of the daughters of the empire. Anyway, now we'll attach the backboard to the pole, and we'll attach the, uh, hoop to the backboard using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. So, uh, there you have it. Kind of looks like the harlot globetrotters, don't it? Anyway, uh, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ rip ] we'll be right back with more of the show and the exciting conclusion to the bear story right after this. Exciting conclusion? Must be a new story about the bear. "it is winter. "a blanket of snow outside. "you shuffle out in the morning darkness "to the row of cars on the street, "shovel away the drifts around the tires, "sweep the snow piled on the car, "scrape the crust of hard ice from the windows. Damn it, that's not your car!" as I was saying, uh, a bear just came wandering right into the lodge -- big, ugly, stinky bear that we all just figured was moose thompson. We didn't even notice that the bear's ears were too small. Kind of funny that a guy who looked like a bear would be named "moose." indians were a lot better at naming people than we are. You know, when they call a guy "eagle beak," you had a pretty good chance of spotting him in a crowd. Great story, uncle red. Go to the next segment. Well, the story's not finished, harold. I think it pretty much peaked. And three, two, one. Cue. Don't ever let an indian name you, harold. Okay. How you doing, glen? Hello, red. How'd you like to take off and go camping? I got the rv all washed up, gassed up, oiled up, window-washered up, battery-acid up. [ laughs ] I even flushed out the holding tank. You could eat a casserole out of there, red. Well, no thanks, glen. Not today. Are you sure? Yeah. I could shut down the marina. I've done it before. We can just be two vagabonds on the open road, red. Well, actually, glen, I just need you to fix this outboard motor for me. Oh, well, uh, I'm kind of busy, red. Well, glen, you know, uh, when you think about it, you are the only marina within 100 miles, and you are a lodge member, and you sold me this outboard motor. All right, red. All right. Just leave it. I'll take a look at it later. Oh. Thanks, glen. Really appreciate it. Really appreciate it. Uh, where do you want me to put it? Just put it right there. Right here? Right there's fine. Watch the rv. Yeah. Uh, no problem. So, do you want me to tell you what the problem is? No. I can fix anything, red. I'll be fine, thanks. All right. Uh, can you snap that on for me? Yeah. Can I offer you a beverage, red? Got the cooler right there. I got ginger ale, cream soda. Even got some root beer in there. No, nothing for me. Thanks. I'll have a root beer. You want me to get it for you? Well, red, I'm gonna be looking at your motor. All right. Right, right, right. Just toss her over, red. It'll save yourself a few steps. Is that some corn chips? Can you hum them over, too, red, please? Red, can you pop the sprinkler on top of the rv? That's how I like to wash her. Yeah. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I've crossed the mighty desert ♪ ♪ I've climbed the highest peaks ♪ ♪ I've hunted in the jungle ♪ ♪ I've worn my brother's breeks ♪ ♪ I've seen a lot of life ♪ ♪ from the highest to the dregs ♪ ♪ but the greatest danger I ever faced ♪ ♪ was sharing a tent with a guy ♪ ♪ who ate pickled eggs ♪ [ laughs ] hold on to your socks today, uncle red, 'cause this is so exciting. The letters, they have celebrity status and international overtones. If I was asked to give a brief evaluation of today's segment, that's how I would describe it. Well, you won't be, harold. Oh. Okay. But that's how I'd describe it. If I was asked at a later date, I would describe it as such, but I wasn't, so I won't. Anyway, here's the first letter. This is the international one. "dear 'ocoupant.'" that's french. That's "occupant." oh, yeah. Okay, well -- well, the content's still international. It is so. Anyway, he goes, um, "how much would you give for a world free of war, fear, hunger, and want?" 280 bucks. That's fair. That's more than fair. That's very fair. Okay. Next letter. This is the celebrity one. Get this. Get this. It's from ed mcmahon. You know everybody, uncle red. That's so great. Ed mcmahon, you know him. This is great -- a personalized letter to you. "dear mr. Green... You may have already won a million dollars cash, tax-free." oh, excellent! You're a millionaire! Oh, that's ex-- that is so fantastic! This is great. Ed goes on to say, "would you be interested in receiving magazines at a tremendous discount?" why, harold, uh, I think you're gonna have to tell ed that, uh, now that I'm a millionaire, I want to pay full price, so I'm not really interested in the magazines. In fact, I might be willing to go up to, say, 500 bucks to, uh, put an end to world fear, hunger, and want. That is excellent. That is fantastic. You millionaires sure know how to live. Uncle red, um, now that you are a millionaire and all, can I borrow $2? Well, of course you can, harold, but you're gonna have to wait till ed's check clears. [ film projector clicking ] red: So, we tried something kind of exciting this week. We thought, uh, bill would show us how to go scuba diving. So, he brought all the gear, and what he wanted to show me was this fancy watch he's got with, uh -- shows you your depth and how much time you got left in your tank, and I didn't really want him to take it off, you know. He just -- he gets in this -- [ splash ] and that's why. Gone. And then he had the oxygen tank, wanted to show me. Ooh! Okay. So, uh, we're not going with plan "a." we're going with plan "b," which is snorkeling rather than scuba diving, but a lot of the gear is the same. The mask and this little air-hose deal. First thing, you want to get a real good seal between your skin and the mask, and then, again, just stick one end in your mouth, and bill's showing you the air goes in here, and he was inhaling and then got a hand in there, and I didn't realize that bill was having a problem breathing there. But, uh, I-I-I saved his life, really. Aaah! There we go. Uh, he's okay. Now he puts the big flippers out. Now, I've never done this before, so I'm just an amateur. I just sat down, put them on, but apparently there is a technique where you just step in to them, like bill's showing you there, but I guess, you know, with me not knowing, I was, uh, kind of making a fool out of myself. Uh, I'm not even gonna worry about that. You know, bill's the expert. I never claimed to know what I'm doing, you know? And this seemed unusual to me, um... But, um, it didn't seem to bother bill that much, so... I guess he's just gonna make a right-hand turn. Anyway, this is a diving cage, and this is bill in a wet suit, which you don't want to see on a full stomach, uh, and in he goes. I think with bill, he should have maybe have tightened the mask up just a bit there. But he's okay. So, he decides he's gonna this time, instead of jumping in, maybe climb down the ladder, which is tricky 'cause you got the one -- he only has the one flipper to worry about, which is an advantage, I suppose, but, also, you should... Uh, really check how tight the bolts are, you know. And he just blew water right out of his tube uh, into my face, which made my day. Look out, bill. That's all right. He thought that was an accident. Now, that's a diving cage. Down he goes, and whatever he finds, he puts in the cage. Then he pulls on the rope, and I haul it up. That's the idea of it. He was down there the better part of -- oh, well, not more than five hours, I wouldn't think. Well, maybe. But then, eventually, he pulled on the rope, and, uh, I started hauling him up, and he comes up, and, of course, the first thing he wants to do is to clear out his tube again, you know. Thank you, bill. It's refreshing, but scary at the same time. Anyway, up comes -- up comes -- up comes the cage, and look what he's got here. First deal he's got -- his watch. So, I mean, I was impressed by it. And he had the scuba tank in there, and there was the ladder, and he even had the flipper. Uh, so, it was a great day, but, uh, he didn't do a lot for his upper-body strength. "it is summer, the ice-cream season. By late August, everyone in your family is cone-shaped." [ laughs ] uncle red, did you have fun at grandma green's picnic? Well, you know me, harold. As long as there's a lizard and a punch bowl, I can make my own fun. [ cat yowls ] I had a horrible time. I really couldn't stand all those relatives coming up to me, saying, "oh, my, how you've grown. "oh, my, hasn't your complexion cleared up." it makes me want to be even more obnoxious than they are. Well, I think that's within your reach, harold. Oh, yeah. I know. I mean, I could say things mean, too. I could say things like, "oh, I haven't grown. You've shrunk." or, "last time I saw you, your belly was only half that size," or, like, "hey, look! Hey, grandma's still alive!" [ laughs ] I don't want to, but I will if I have to. Man: Hey! Watch it! You know, harold, there's an old saying -- you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose... What's that got to do with anything? Took your mind off the problem, didn't it? Yeah. [ splash ] so, glen, uh, figure out what was wrong with the motor? What? Uh, I don't know, red. You know, I thought it might be the carburetor. Could be. You should see the carburetor on the rv. Got a throat on it the size of a toilet bowl, red. Think about that next time you're gonna buy some gas. You know, I saw this tube on the side hanging down here. I thought maybe that should be attached to the carburetor. Could be. You think I should take it back to the lodge and try it? I would. Sure. Okay. Well, thanks a lot, glen. What do I owe you? Uh, how about a little something for the rv, red? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that could happen. We'll be right back after these messages. Well, give them more reason. You know, like they're guests. Oh, okay. We'll be right back, and I'll tell you about the bear who wandered into the lodge. He was a guest. [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring. "we walk amongst the flowers, "bending close to smell their fragrance, "pressing our nostrils to their pistils and stamens. "how would you like it if someone stuck their nose "into your reproductive organs? Sorry I asked." [ splash ] ohhh! Red: Hey, bob. Hi, bob. Oh! Hi, red. I didn't even hear you coming, I'm so caught up working, you know. Water-testing for the ministry. What's the golf cart for? My clubs. Oh, uh, it's also a cover. It fools the polluters. Oh, yeah. Sometimes they see you coming, and they try to clean up a lake real quickly. Mm-hmm. You know, speaking of which, we got to get possum lake restocked, and I thought, with your job with the ministry of resources there and being a lodge member, you could get the government to kind of chip in on that. Oh. Uh, possum lake's all fished out, is it? It's at the point now where fishing's just a waste of dynamite. Well, why don't the guys play some golf instead? Well, I don't think the guys would want to, you know, get -- well, you know, golf's a real sport. It's the only sport that was invented in scotland. Now, that tells you something. Yeah. Well... Well, water looks fine. I-I don't think the guys -- you know, they'd have to get golf clubs. You know, they don't have any of those. Oh, well, I've got enough to outfit everybody. [ splash ] bob, but there's like 40 guys in the lodge, you know. No problem. No, but these guys, well, they're not golfers at heart, eh -- not like you. Oh, well, come on. Red, everyone's a golfer at heart. Also do the guys some good to get out, get some fresh air, even if it's just for one game. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Am I in your way here at all? No, I don't think so. I won't hurt you. Okay. I've been doing this for a long time. Yeah, yeah. Fore! Oh, look at that. Nice shot, nice shot, nice shot. Yes! [ laughs ] oh, oh, oh. [ splash ] no! Oh, boy. Oh, well, that doesn't matter. I've got to check all the water hazards anyway. Okay. So, about stocking the lake... You know, you've got to keep your head down -- head down. That's the problem, you know? Yeah, yeah. You know, I can't believe those guys are not in for a game of golf, you know? Get out there. Get some fresh air. I just can't believe that. They don't like to have fun? Is that it? Well, no. You know what they're like. They just don't like joining things, that's all. What are you talking about? They joined the lodge, didn't they? Besides, with golf, there's no fish guts to clean out. Well, they really enjoy that. Well, they don't really know what they're missing. No, no. Fore! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. [ splash ] oh! Okay. All right. All right. Ohh! Bob, take it easy, now. [ sighs ] I can't bel-- so, what do you say we get a little tourney going, huh, between the guys -- a little tournament? Well, I don't think so, uh, bob. You know, I mean, they don't have any golf shoes. I guess they could use flip-flops, but they'd have to pay their green fees, and then balls and tees. That's gonna set them back a fair bit of change there, you know. Well, that's cheaper than paying a private company to restock the lake with fish. Well, you know, if I put it to them that way, I think they may sign up for it. There you go. Have our own tournament. That's right! The possum open. And the guys could catch dew worms while they're golfing. Well, there you go. So, what do we say, Saturday at 6:30? 6:30 in the morning? Well, sure. The early bird gets the worm. The worm gets the fish. Well, all right. 6:30 it is. Okay. See you then, bob. Looking forward to it. Yep. It'll be fun, red! Yeah. Yep. Fore! [ kerplunk ] ohhh! So, anyway, uh, to make a long story, uh, fairly long, uh, the bear that wandered into the lodge spent a couple of days here before stinky peterson realized that it wasn't moose thompson. It was during a poker game, 'cause the bear was winning. And, besides, it was getting honey all over the cards. But, uh, stinky's still thinking it was moose, you know, and he accused him of cheating by, like, uh, hiding cards up his sleeve. So, he gets up, and when he tries to rip the fur coat off of moose, it turned out that he was trying to rip the hide off the bear, and that's when we figured out it was a grizzly, and that sort of explained why moose had licked down nine jars of peanut butter for supper. I look up from my cards. I says, "hey, what's wild?" and they said, "the bear." had us going for a while there. We thought he was gonna hurt us real bad, but, uh, luckily, he got a whiff of old man sedgwick's breath and hightailed it off into the woods. So, anyhow, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home tonight, and try to leave the garage door open, and that way I'll be able to see if your car's already in there and then hopefully avoid it this time. You know, I only drive with my headlights off so I won't wake you. Anyway, uh, thanks, everybody, for tuning in, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.